remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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