maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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