new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
