I accidentally had phone sex last night
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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