The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize