this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
