Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
