john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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