Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
