Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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