im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
