I faked an abortion last night.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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