u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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