Can Purell be used as lube?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
