is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
