I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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