Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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