I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
