Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
