I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
