her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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