last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
