The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
