Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I touched a dick in church today
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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