My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
