A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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