He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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