Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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