My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
sex in a hospital.. check
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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