Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
