got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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