She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
