I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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