Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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