Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
