i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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