I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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