Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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