i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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