I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
