Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize