Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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