someone get that fucking seahorse.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just found a bag of teeth...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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