just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
