Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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