Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
