I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
