if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
love makes seman taste better
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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