It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
