You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
