I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
