I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
