got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Acid is not a monday night drug
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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