saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
