they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
