allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize