The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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