this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
