I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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